What I Wish I’d Known About Being a Mother – The Brutal Version

Now, if you read this waiting for it to get soppy, you’ll be waiting a while.  This is the stuff I wish I’d known, not the other stuff that everyone else bangs on about all the time….

The First Time

  • That I wouldn’t love my baby instantly. And that it is normal
  • The immense relief when I realised I DID love my baby.
  • That after a lot of pushing, you can have haemorrhoids hanging like testicles out of your bottom. Which is as grim as it sounds.  And is more painful than any fanny trauma.
  • That at times I cared more about how much sleep I got than whether my baby was hungry.
  • That my belly would look like a tiger loaf for nearly a year afterwards.
  • That there would be times I wished I hadn’t had had a child (told you brutal).
  • That some mornings it’s ok to give your toddler biscuits for breakfast and watch CBeebies whilst you sleep on the sofa.
  • That you will get irrationally upset about the most stupid of things your baby does, FOR NO REASON.
  • That sometimes, no one, not even you, realises you have post-natal depression.
  • That routine is awesome for getting a good nights’ sleep.
  • That Gina Ford is a saint.
  • That other mothers will ask for your advice and not listen to a fucking word. As will you.
  • That your parents and in-laws are only interested in the baby.
  • That screaming doesn’t seem so loud if you go for a walk outside.
  • That babies are boring.
  • That your periods will now resemble Niagara Falls.
  • That you need to do what works now, not what you planned to do, or even want to do.

The Second Time

  • That anything learnt from Baby No.1 will not necessarily apply to Baby No.2
  • That Gina Ford does not apply to this baby (see above), so will now be excommunicated.
  • That your lifestyle has changed – the baby carrier will be in constant use, and if you can hear the baby crying, it means you can chill out because they’re breathing.
  • That babies decide when they will stop breastfeeding, not you.
  • That you can love your baby instantly.
  • That you stop giving a shit about what you feed your children, as long as they eat enough to sleep.
  • That sibling rivalry is a git.
  • That Katie Hopkins is wrong, ginger babies ARE just as easy to love, thank you.
  • That it is entirely inconsequential that you don’t have a daughter, and if one more person asks you ‘If you could guarantee a girl, would you have another?’ you will stab them in the eye.
  • That you absolutely, 100% do not want anymore children (even if they’re female).
  • That, actually, parents are probably lying when they say they don’t have favourites.
  • That 4 year olds are much better company than babies.
  • Niagara Falls? Smh. That was nothing.
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3 thoughts on “What I Wish I’d Known About Being a Mother – The Brutal Version

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