Non-Person

This week I become a non-person.

The Big Little Man goes back to school. The Little Little Man will still be at home with me, but come the 21st September, I will not be joining my fellow Access classmates by starting university.

I know, I’ve told you the whole dry rot saga.

My dreams have been squished.

And I’m really down on it now that it’s really NOT happening. When I phoned the head of department (lovely, lovely man) for SLT and explained I wouldn’t be starting the course, I cried.

I spent the whole of last year with a purpose; I had to ace my access course to get into uni (I did, by the way, 45/45 credits at distinction, top of the class). And I loved it.

Now, I feel I have no purpose. Yes. I have two small children, but I know that is not enough, it does not keep my mind busy. I need to DO something, I’m just struggling with what.

Everyone keeps saying ‘start a business’.

Right.

Uhhh, doing what? Trust me, I’ve been thinking about this for YEARS.

The Big Big Man keeps telling me to enjoy not working. Oh I am, trust me on this, I so totally am.

I would love a part-time job, not anything amazing, I don’t even mind not earning much after childcare, but the problem here is that I have stipulations about going back to work:

  1. No weekends.  No way.
  2. Only school hours.
  3. No more than three days.
  4. No evenings.

I know, I know, I am just too darn fussy. But, I didn’t give up my job to make life easier, to start a new job which makes our lives harder. And for a whole lot less money.

There’s nothing out there on those terms, and trust me, I’m not surprised.

Bah.

I have projects, I always have a project on the boil. Currently it’s making seat covers out of old curtains for our outdoor furniture. And I’m redecorating the Little Little Man’s bedroom, and the kitchen, and the playroom. And I’ve still got the massive project that is my novel bubbling away in the background.

But. It’s not enough.

I’m just miserable that my brain is about to dribble out of my ears. I had a taste of using the grey matter again and I want more.

I like having a purpose, of feeling productive and worthy.

Right now all I feel like is convenient childcare.

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