It was our anniversary this week. And this is one the most poignant moments of our marriage.
Four years ago I was in a shitty place. A lot of bad timing, post-natal depression and new responsibilities all got too much. It was bloody hard work.
We moved house, went on holiday and I returned to work full time within three weeks. Suffice to say, those changes and the demands at the time were too much. The holiday was a disaster because we just wanted to be in our new house. It was also our first family holiday and we all really struggled with the differences between a family holiday and a couple’s holiday. Well. Except the Big Little man who was blissfully unaware.
I never really recognised my PND until this point either, and Big Little Man was ten months old – that’s how it can really affect you – you don’t even recognise your own feelings.
Inevitably our relationship suffered. We weren’t talking (mostly because we didn’t have time). We were up all hours doing renovations. We had the shift from me being at home, to working 40 hours a week – there were many arguments about cleaning and whose job it was, which all sounds so tedious on reflection.
It came to a crescendo when during an argument with my husband (on the phone on my way home from work – we didn’t have time to talk to each other in the flesh), he told me to just leave if I was so unhappy.
I nearly did.
But I waited until he got home from work, because I thought we at least needed to talk rationally about it. Two bottles of wine and copious tears later we kissed and made up.
It was a close thing though.
And it was many months of active effort to get over it truly. That night we made a decision to stay together, but it was the days and weeks that followed where we had to actually show that we wanted too.
Relationships are hard. Sometimes they can be fixed, like ours was, other times not. But you should always want to be in them. Once you stop wanting to be there, I think you have to let go.
As we celebrate nine years married this week I really hope that we both want to stay forever. Least of all because I don’t think I can be bothered to get used to someone else’s awful habits, or even get naked in front of someone new.
I know that bad place happened for a reason, and I’m glad it did before we both stopped wanting to be together. Sometimes you need to be woken up to smell the coffee and appreciate what you have, before it’s too late.